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Sunday, September 28, 2003

I am no longer eating. Yesterday I was able to take in five to six cups of fluid.

I don't see how I'm going to do this. It feels unbearable. I have seriously started hoping for a miscarriage so this can be over. I just want my life back. I just want to be my son's mommy again.

I hate abortion. Anyone who knows me knows how seriously I loathe it. But I have thought about it. God help me I have. I have even gone so far as to look up abortion mills in the Yellow Pages. Horrible. Shocking.

This is illness and desperation. Desperate desperation. It has only been three days of puking this time. On top of the years of puking I've done it just seems like too much. This was a very bad idea.

It is easy to feel that God is near, it is easy to be faithful when you are happy and well or are going through certain trials that don't just take everything from you. Now I'm thumbing through abortion listings.

Will I rob another child of life? Will I deny that I know Christ again? How can I help it? What ever shall I do here, now, in this dreadful situation?

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