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Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Yesterday I had a period of time that was roughly a six on my 1-10 nausea scale. No sir, I didn't like it. Right now I seem to be able to eat and stave off the barfiness just like the pregnancy books say. Evidently, this is how it works for normal women. It is still an all-day battle. This time I am finding that sleep nullifies the effects of nausea. Sometimes my sleeping son will nudge me until I’m half awake, and for a brief moment of awareness I think, "Hmmm, I'm not nauseous at all." But when I fully awake the nausea starts in. This would support the neurological theories that HG is based on a malfunction of the "vomiting center" in the brain. Sedate the brain and that sort of shuts it off. This is part of the reason why women with HG are given sedatives, such as Phenergan and Thorazine, as antiemetics (puke-stoppers). The only problem with the theory is that the drug therapies aren't very effective. In fact, the drugs can actually make it worse. Theories are fun—when you're not sick.

Last night I drank a milkshake. First, praise God, I could drink a milkshake! It was really freakily effective in quelling the nausea. It lasted for a good 15 minutes before I was climbing back up to a level four or so. Still no puking! By week six it's going to be “on.” Unless God shuts it off. (“Hey, God! Please shut the puke switch off! Pretty please, with Zofran on top!”) I just had another milkshake to try to quell the nausea as I type this. It's not working like it did last night.

Eating is becoming troublesome. Foods that I know are delicious don't taste delicious, and I'm starting to have to sort of choke it all down. It is hard not to be afraid. It is hard to live for today and not be daunted by the months that stretch out ahead. If it were just like it is today there would be no problem. But HG is not here yet. Today the battle is cake, but it can get so very much worse.

I cried yesterday wondering what I had gotten myself into. I knew there would be days when I would feel incredibly stupid for inviting all of this into our lives again. Yesterday I was already having those thoughts, and this nausea I'm dealing with is nothing compared to HG, so it's distressing. What I'm going through now would probably be very significant to a normal woman, but I have something to compare it to. Something that was so bad that it compelled me to pay a terrible price in order to escape it.

I can feel HG coming. It's like a big dog barking in the distance. But God is bigger. Sometimes it is hard to remember in deep suffering, but I must never forget.

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