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Wednesday, October 01, 2003

I have been in the hospital. I just got back yesterday. I tried to get online and write an entry but I was puking as I was typing, so I had to go. I ended up vomiting over 40 times throughout the day. That is to say, I threw up every eight minutes from the moment I woke up in the morning to the moment I went to sleep last night. I stopped counting after the 40th episode. It pains me to admit this, but I was ready to abort. Can you believe it? ME. This illness is unbelievable. I know I must fight. Sometimes I'm too weak and others have to save me (and my baby) from myself. When I start talking “smack” my husband has learned to take a stand, talk me out of it, just say no. He learned this the hard way.

I am only six weeks. I’m on home IVs, and my first vein has already blown. I haven't eaten any type of solid food in five days and have not had even four glasses of fluid to drink in four days. I have never been this sick this soon.

I can't sleep. I have had 11 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours. Nights are the worst. I am begging to end it at night. I am begging, unbelievably, to kill my very much wanted child. It is not something I want to do. Even in my desperation I know it violates ethics. But sometimes that knowledge isn't enough. That doesn't make it right. The bottom line is: I MUST NOT DO IT.

Please, please pray for me; I'm in the "belly of the whale."

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