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Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Today is a day for being grateful. I woke up this morning in tears so thankful for the health and blessings that God has given me. In the midst of so much suffering, I have learned a vast amount. This isn't to say that once life goes on I won't be an ungrateful idiot again, but I hope this experience keeps my sleepy eyes open at least a miracle-registering slit. I don't want life to be lost on me.

I thanked my doctor this morning from the bottom of my heart. I wept as I expressed my gratitude. He didn't know what to do with it really. "Just say 'You're welcome,' and get out!" I told him. I wept as I thanked my tech and my favorite nurses. Grateful, grateful. One of my nurses said my doctor commented that I was "emotional" this morning. "It's probably the prednisone," she reminded him. Oh, if they only knew! Few short weeks ago I prayed to die, and now I am praying to live and love. How can I not weep?

I told one of my nurses how funny it was that when you give your heart to some people they don't really know what to do with it. She told me it's because no one ever gives their heart anymore. She said it's rare that people even say thank you. I've seen them though, while I've been here. Really thankful people. A few of them.

One of my grey-haired doctors immediately turned into a speechless 17-year-old when I told him how sincerely grateful I was to him. I found it quite charming and funny the same. I don't do it to make people feel out of sorts or to amuse myself with their discomfort, but it is so odd to me, the nature of man and his inability to freely love. Children are not this way. Adults learn it after years of related rejection. Should I feel inappropriate for failing to observe mature emotional convention? My rescuers dug me out of a deep well that stank of death. I could kiss them all through a thousand grateful tears!

"Never let loyalty and kindness get away from you! Wear them like a necklace; write them deep within your heart. Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will gain a good reputation." Proverbs 3:3-4

Someone from dietary (the kitchen downstairs) put a guardian angel pin on my tray today. My tech says she has never met a patient like me. We are planning to BBQ once all is well many moons from now. I have made many special pals here in the hospital, and so you see that while I did not wear kindness and loyalty like a necklace to gain a good reputation, it happened anyway, which only goes to show that God knows what He's talking about. Preach on, sister. I can't help it.

"Has the LORD redeemed you? Then speak out. Tell others he has saved you from your enemies." (Psalms 107:2)

Sometimes my biggest enemy is myself. Look back at my termination posts this pregnancy. I can honestly say that the Lord saved me (and my baby) from myself. This is no small miracle. I will talk more about that tomorrow when I share with you two notes that I wrote myself during a pivotal point.

Tomorrow! I get out! I go to stay with my mother-in-law. She loves me when I'm pregnant! I should stay this way all the time! HA!

Squirmy is squirming. "Hi, peoples! Pray for my mommy and me!"


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