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Sunday, January 04, 2004

A very dear friend sent me an email today that prompted a response that I thought I'd share for those who are wondering how I am doing with the bad news and swiftly approaching decision.

"'The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.’

Psalm 28:7

You couldn't know, but this was a very important scripture to me this pregnancy. When I was around six weeks pregnant I kept repeating it over and over again. It got me and Elise through some very rough times—times I thought would be impossible to get through.

The book of Job has been very guiding to me. I hope I am at the end of the story though! You know, the part where there's a happy ending and all is restored! But I read through Jesus' agony at Gethsemane and was reminded of the bitter cup. Christ did not particularly want to drink from that cup, but it was God's will, and so He did. Thus, I am reminded that this pregnancy may not end the way I want it to. I must submit and be willing even for Elise to die if that is what would bring the most honor and glory to the Lord Who knows and sees what I can't. Oh, but this is not an easy attitude!

I earnestly know that she may not live and that the Lord cannot be manipulated by good deed or attitude to save her if that is not His will. But perhaps He can be moved as He was moved by the people of Nineveh. Perhaps if He means for her to die He will take pity on my broken heart or will be moved by the prayers of others for her and will change His mind. I don't know. It's worrisome, I admit. Yet I know that even if everyone I love was lost from my life God would still be there. This has been the way of it. We are to love Him more than anyone, even our children. This is hard for me, but I think I am learning.

He is the Giver of life. How can anyone fault Him for assuming that which He Himself gave in the first place? How can one hate Him for giving the precious gift of even a moment of love? But we do it all the time! He is the Potter, and we are the clay. I have to remind myself and keep things in perspective. It is a constant battle for me. It does not come naturally or easily. God is teaching me many things. Above all, to borrow from C.S. Lewis, that He is not Who I say He is but who He knows Himself to be.

Anything inspiring or encouraging comes from the Holy Spirit and not me. I alone will only disappoint. It is a constant struggle to be less me and more of a person moved by the Holy Spirit.

I don't know what will become of Elise and me, but I know He loves us. All I can do now is beg for mercy for her life. What He does or does not do is His business, and I will always thank Him and praise Him for the miracle of my daughter no matter what."

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