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Monday, February 02, 2004

It’s 3:30 A.M. I've been up since two with a stuffed nose and sore throat courtesy my five-year-old. I'm thinking strep. I'll make hubby miss work to take me for a culture.

I love Elise. I really, really love Elise, but my body will be eternally grateful when this pregnancy is over. Some women are well-oiled baby making machines, and some women (like me) were not built for that action. In a bygone world I would have already died in pregnancy. I'm not naturally meant to have children, but I snuck and did it anyway.

Boy, I just did not need this little ailment on top of everything else. Eating has gotten so hard again. I guess it's being sick that's doing it. Can't wait for more fever blisters. I always get them after any kind of infection.

What am I going to do for the rest of the morning? I am not tired, and I am sick of the Internet and TV. I have been reading this book called Lime Five, but I don't feel like picking that up right now. When I’m a well person I can only read small portions of it; it's way too heavy for sick reading. I know, I know, you're thinking: "How can you be reading a book like that when you're pregnant?!" Everyone ought to read it when they're pregnant. Maybe they’d be more sympathetic to the plight of those involved. As it is everyone thinks we sick preggies are the very ones for whom abortion was invented. Well guess what. That’s not good enough. We don’t want abortion, we want help. Please don’t give up on us.

Elise has been jogging on her treadmill. It seems like she has finally settled in for a nap. A little girl—wow! What's that all about? I can't wait!

It's 8:30 A.M.

I have vomited a couple of times and have lots of diarrhea. I started having panic attacks right around the time I started vomiting. I don't get panic attacks in normal life. They're really hard for me to understand. I can't deny that they exist, because I'm having them. My husband says it's because the vomiting is triggering feelings that relate to the HG. I don't know what it is, but I hate it. It's such a bad feeling. I know that the vomiting and constant trips to the real toilet (a luxury) are putting pressure on the cervix. I can feel it. So I realize I am worried for Elise. But I've been so worried for her before and not had panic attacks. How is this all going to end?

Today is the first day of my 25th week. In other words, I'm only 24 weeks. It's the point of "viability," and that is a good thing, however I have a friend whose baby was born at 25 weeks three months ago, and he is still in the NICU with severe lung disease and lots of other problems. It's not that I fear the burden of a disabled child, I just don't want Elise to have to go through all of that. Also, even though 24 weeks is the point of "viability," the odds aren't fantastic. She could still die. The point is, she does not need to be born right now, and all of this puking and diarrhea is not helping her and is freaking me out.

Oh dear God, please help me.

Please pray for us. Please!

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