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Friday, April 23, 2004

I am contracting lots this morning. Part of me would like to make it to May and part of me would like to serve Elise a gentle, loving eviction notice right now!

On a note of pure ecstasy, I must inform you all that peppermint flavored Tums, yummy edible Tums, are made of gritty, chalky, delightful calcium and talc!!! Talc, I say! I can eat four a day and pretend they are cat litter or chalk or any other culinary delicacy.

Going to a baby shower in a few hours. Presents! But more importantly: cake!

Went out to the shed yesterday to get the stored bassinet and car seat ready. The bassinet was fine, but the confounded, dad-burned, dog-gone squirrels ate through the belt of the car seat, so there's an extra hundred bucks we hadn't factored in to the budget. Well, that's it. I'm just going to have to send Elise back! Haha!

So while I was inspecting the car seat I leaned over and one of the pine trees dropped a cone or a twig or something on my back, ker-plunk!


I was too involved with the car seat to really be interested. When I put the car seat in the trash I noticed something wet and yucky on my hand. Must have accidentally squished a bug upon grabbing the seat. Washed my hands. Saw a spot of bug juice on my expensive, white, embroidered, big-butted, maternity nightgown. Great. Hope it comes out. Tiny spot of gross bug juice. Yuck.

Approximately nine hours later my husband came home and asked me what the heck was on my back. What? I dunno.

I took the gown off and came face to face with a giant splatter of set-in bird dookie. White urea and purple berry poop! It'll never come out.

I had to laugh, because I am a bird toilet. They aim for me. You have no idea how often birds have pooped on me in my lifetime. It's uncanny.

I think I was a statue in a former life.

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