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Monday, May 03, 2004

It's nearly 3 A.M. and I obviously can't sleep. I try but I just fade in and out feeling weird and sweating like a pig. My throat is all fleshy, the delicate inner tissues profuse with blood, fluids and Bear Claw ice cream. It is fat and I snore now. I am a light sleeper and each snore wakes me up. In addition I am an artesian pee well. It never ends. Pee, pee, pee. I puked my head off after getting out of the tub last night, which still feels like today since I haven't been able to sleep. When the sun comes up I have to care for a preschooler all day on no sleep. I can barely move much less take care of someone else without having slept.

I am frustrated. I stopped trying to sleep and got on the computer. I read a vicious comment, the kind that cuts deepest, the kind that involves your health, your children, the stuff that counts. People can suck. I know that. It's just harder to put on my big girl panties with no sleep and oodles of physical discomfort. Instead I feel dismayed, crushed, incensed, outraged, frustrated, defeated. A chink in the armor; things are getting to me.

Children are a joy; manufacturing them is a nightmare.

When will it end?

The dove flexes tiny, nailed toes in limited, internal movements that soon enough I will never feel again.

"Hang in there, Mama.
Hang in there."

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